Disclaimer: Information presented here should not be used as a substitute for professional health and mental health care or consultation. Individuals who believe they may need or benefit from care should consult a psychologist or other licensed health/mental health professional.
To all those navigating the challenges of chronic illness in their families: you’re not alone. Let’s discuss how we can support our children through this journey.
Today, I want to dive deep into a topic that’s close to my heart – how we can help our kids develop resilience when they’re growing up with a chronically ill parent. Trust me, I know this isn’t easy stuff, but it’s so important, and I’m here to share both the research and my personal experiences with you.
Understanding Resilience
First things first, let’s talk about what resilience actually means. It’s not about being tough all the time or never feeling sad. Resilience is simply the ability to cope when things go wrong. And let’s face it, when you’re dealing with chronic illness in the family, things can go wrong pretty often.
I remember the first time we had to cancel a family outing because of my husband’s illness. The disappointment on our kids’ faces was heartbreaking. But you know what? That moment also became an opportunity to teach them about adapting and finding joy in unexpected places. We ended up having an impromptu living room picnic, and now it’s one of their favorite memories!
The Impact of Chronic Illness on Our Kids
Now, I’m not going to sugarcoat it – growing up with a chronically ill parent can be tough on kids. Research shows that these children can be at higher risk for emotional and behavioral issues. A study from the University of Western Australia found that daughters of chronically ill parents had a higher risk of physical, social, and communication difficulties, while sons were more likely to face language and cognitive challenges.
But here’s the thing – knowing this doesn’t mean we should feel guilty. Instead, it empowers us to take action and help our kids build the resilience they need.
Building Resilience: Strategies That Work
Experts in child development agree that resilience can be fostered at any age. Drawing from both professional recommendations and personal experience, here are some strategies that have proven effective for many families, including our own:
- Open Communication: Be honest about the illness in age-appropriate ways. Let them ask questions and express their feelings. I’ve found that even our youngest can handle more information than I initially thought, as long as it’s presented in a way they can understand.
- Maintain Routines: I know it’s not always easy, but maintaining some consistency can provide a sense of security. In our house, we have a weekly pizza night that happens no matter what – even if Dad’s having a bad day and mom is stressed, we adapt by ordering out.
- Encourage Independence: Give them age-appropriate responsibilities. It helps build confidence and takes their mind off worrying. Our oldest now takes pride in being the “official” dog “feeder” of the family.
- Build a Support Network: Encourage connections with other family members, friends, and support groups. Remember, it takes a village! We’ve found great comfort in connecting with good friends who support us when the going gets tough and have found some great support groups online for people with similar experiences.
- Model Resilience: This one’s tough, but so important. When we handle our own challenges with grace, our kids learn to do the same. We try to verbalize our coping strategies – “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take some deep breaths to calm down.”
- Promote Self-Care: Teach your kids the importance of taking care of themselves. This includes eating well, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities they enjoy. Need ideas? Check out my post on self care activities you can do in 5 minutes or less.
- Encourage Goal-Setting: Help your kids set achievable goals and work towards them. This builds a sense of control and accomplishment. For guidance on setting goals with your child, check out the resources available on this site.
- Foster a Positive Outlook: Help your children see the good things in life, even during tough times. For example, at dinner time, we share one good thing each day.
The Power of Connection
One thing that’s really stuck with me is something I read from Harvard researchers. They found that the single most important factor for developing resilience in kids is having at least one stable and supportive relationship with an adult. This can be a coach, teacher, parent or any other supportive adult. That’s huge! It reminds me that even on the worst days, just being there and showing love can make a world of difference.
Challenges and Triumphs
Now, I’m not going to pretend this journey is all smooth sailing. There are days when we feel like we’re failing at everything. Days when the guilt of not being able to do “normal” family things overwhelms us. But then I see our kids showing kindness to others, or finding creative solutions to problems, and I realize they’re developing strengths they might not have otherwise.
I remember one particularly rough week when my husband was bedridden with a severe flare-up. Our 7-year-old read him her favorite story and my 5-year-old brought him his favorite stuffed animals so he wouldn’t feel lonely. In that moment, I saw empathy, initiative, and problem-solving skills that made my heart swell with pride.
Seeking Help When Needed
Remember, it’s okay to seek help if you’re struggling. Therapy can be an amazing resource for both kids and parents. It can give you the tools to communicate better and cope with the unique challenges we face.
Celebrating Small Victories
Don’t forget to celebrate the small victories along the way – they add up! Whether it’s your child remembering to take a deep breath when frustrated, or offering to help without being asked, these moments are signs of growing resilience.
Final Thoughts
So, to all my fellow chronic illness families out there: you’re doing great. Your kids are learning valuable life skills, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. They’re learning empathy, adaptability, and strength in ways that will serve them well throughout their lives.
Keep loving, keep trying, and remember – you’re not alone in this journey. We’re all in this together, supporting each other one day at a time. Stay strong…you’ve got this!
Sources
American Psychological Association. (2012). Resilience guide for parents and teachers. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience/guide-parents-teachers
Bell MF, Bayliss DM, Glauert R, et al. (2019). Developmental vulnerabilities in children of chronically ill parents: a population-based linked data study. J Epidemiol Community Health 2019;73:393-400. Retrieved from https://jech.bmj.com/content/73/5/393
Harvard University. (2024). Resilience. Center for the Developing Child. Retrieved from https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/resilience/
Horner, M. (2019). How does a parent’s chronic illness impact their child? Early Development Instrument. Retrieved from https://edi.offordcentre.com/how-does-a-parents-chronic-illness-impact-their-child/
Howard AF, Crowe S, Choroszewski L, Kovatch J, Kelly M, Haljan G. (2023). When chronic critical illness is a family affair: A multi-perspective qualitative study of family involvement in long-term care. Chronic Illness.;19(4):804-816. doi:10.1177/17423953221141134
Kaasbøll, J., Skokauskas, N., Lydersen, S., & Sund, A. M. (2021). Parental chronic illness, internalizing problems in young adulthood and the mediating role of adolescent attachment to parents: A prospective cohort study. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, Article 807563. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.807563
Kid’s HelpLine. (2024). Developing Resilience. Retrieved from https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/developing-resilience#:~:text=Resilience%20is%20the%20ability%20to%20cope%20when%20things%20go%20wrong.&text=Coping%20with%20stress%20makes%20me,humour%20when%20things%20go%20wrong
Leave a Reply