Parenting is no easy feat, especially when big obstacles like chronic illness come into play. For healthy social and emotional development, kids need predictability, but when a parent’s health is up in the air, keeping things stable feels like an uphill battle. In this post, we’re going to chat about some real-world strategies for parents to keep their kids’ lives as steady as possible, even when life gets tough. We’ll talk about why predictability matters so much for kids, how illness can shake things up, and what parents can do to bring back a sense of normalcy. So, let’s dive in together and figure this out.
The Importance of Predicability
“When children live in organized and predictable environments, they learn to self-regulate in organized and predictable ways, leading to optimal mental health over time.”
Dr. Erika Bocknek, Educational Psychology, Wayne State University
Think of predictability as the solid ground beneath a child’s feet, providing a sense of security and stability as they navigate the ups and downs of growing up. Kids thrive when they know what to expect, whether it’s the morning routine or the bedtime ritual. It’s not just about comfort; it’s about laying the groundwork for their learning and development. In this section, we’ll explore why predictability is so crucial for kids, how it helps them feel safe, and how it sets the stage for their cognitive, social, and emotional growth. So, let’s dig into why routines matter and how they shape our little ones’ world.
Here are some ways kids from predictability:
- Feeling Secure: Kids thrive when they feel safe and secure, and predictability plays a big role in creating that environment. When children know what to expect, it reduces their anxiety and helps them feel more comfortable in their surroundings. This sense of security allows them to relax and engage more fully in their activities.
- Emotional Stability: Having consistent routines and knowing what’s coming next helps children manage their emotions better. When they can anticipate transitions or changes, it lowers their stress levels and gives them a sense of control. Over time, this leads to greater emotional resilience and the ability to cope with life’s challenges more effectively.
- Growing Independence: Predictable routines empower children to become more independent. When they understand what’s expected of them and what will happen next, they can take charge of their responsibilities and actions. This builds their confidence and self-reliance as they learn to navigate the world around them.
- Learning and Understanding: Predictability provides a structured framework for children to learn and make sense of their experiences. Through repeated routines and experiences, they develop an understanding of cause-and-effect relationships, sequencing, and the concept of time. This lays the groundwork for critical thinking skills and a deeper understanding of the world.
- Building Strong Bonds: Consistent caregiving routines create a foundation of trust and attachment between children and their caregivers. When children can rely on their caregivers for consistent responses and support, it strengthens their sense of security and emotional well-being. This, in turn, fosters healthy social and emotional development throughout their lives.
- Developing Autonomy: Predictable routines give children the confidence to take on new challenges and responsibilities. When they know what to expect, they can navigate daily tasks and transitions with greater ease, fostering a sense of independence and self-assurance. This sets the stage for them to become capable and resilient individuals as they grow.
In summary, predictability provides a stable foundation for a child’s development, contributing to their physical, emotional, cognitive, and social well-being. By recognizing the importance of predictability, parents and caregivers can give their child the support they need to tackle life’s ups and downs with confidence. But let’s be real, keeping things predictable isn’t always a walk in the park, especially when chronic illness enters the picture.
Chronic Disruption
When a parent lives with chronic illness, it brings a whole new layer of unpredictability into a child’s world. Suddenly, there are unexpected doctor visits, shifts in routines, and constant uncertainty about their parent’s health. It’s like navigating through a maze where the path keeps changing. This unpredictability can leave kids feeling unsure and sometimes overwhelmed with anxiety or stress.
“As I grew up and my mothers condition worsened, she stopped taking us places like the park as often, she stopped coming camping or swimming as she was too sick and couldn’t take long car rides…This may have been the start of my logical approach to almost all things in my life. I decided to stop caring about certain things so that they couldn’t hurt me.”
-Quora User
Here’s how these changes can impact predictability in a child’s life:
Unpredictable Schedule: When a parent has a chronic illness, their schedule might not follow the usual pattern. This can leave kids unsure about when their parent will be available for family time or to help out with things like homework or chores.
Cancellations and Missed Events: It’s tough for kids when plans get canceled or they have to miss out on fun stuff because of their parent’s illness. They might feel disappointed or frustrated when things don’t go as planned, and it can be hard to know if their parent will be able to join in on important moments.
Increased Responsibilities: Sometimes, kids have to step up and help out more when a parent is sick. This might mean taking on extra chores or helping with caregiving tasks. It can be a lot to handle and can throw off their usual routine.
“That was the main thing, I was always so mature in everyone’s eyes. Take care of my mom, push her wheelchair, cook, clean, take care of her meds, give her injections weekly. No one ever asked if I was alright, just if my parents were. I learned to disregard my feelings because I can take care of myself and my mother can’t.”
-Reddit Poster
Emotional Stress: Worrying about a parent’s health can take a toll on kids’ emotions. They might feel anxious or stressed out, which can make it tough to concentrate on school or enjoy time with friends. Finding ways to cope with these feelings is important for helping kids feel better.
“…having a chronically ill parent is often traumatic. You grow up having a much deeper understanding of health issues, pain, and even death. Often we have to help out more than kids would normally have to, worry about things kids wouldn’t normally have to, possibly suppress things because support was (or felt like it was) in short supply and wasn’t always available when we needed it.”
-reddit userFinancial Strain: Financial strain due to a parent’s chronic illness can be tough for families. It might mean having to cut back on things like extracurricular activities or family outings that kids used to enjoy. This can throw off their routine and make it harder for them to predict what’s coming next.
When things feel uncertain, kids might react in ways that seem unexpected. They might get more easily frustrated or want more attention from their caregivers. Some kids might even seem like they’re going backward in their development, like talking like a younger child or needing help with things they used to do on their own. These behaviors are just their way of trying to cope with all the changes and unpredictability around them. It’s important for caregivers to offer lots of support and reassurance during these times to help kids feel more stable and secure. After all, it’s hard for kids to feel safe and in control when they’re not sure what’s going to happen next or if they’ll have to take on more responsibilities than usual.
Tips for Creating Predictability
So, we understand that kids thrive on predictability, but how do we achieve that, especially in the face of the unpredictable nature of chronic illness? Most information out there outlines the “ideal” way to do things, which can be done under ideal situations. While that’s important to know, that is not what we are experiencing. So I’ll also show ways to get creative with these strategies so we can adapt them to less than ideal situations.
In no particular order, here are 7 tips for creating predicability:
Tip 1: Establish Consistent Daily Routines
Children thrive in environments where they know what to expect from day to day. Consistent daily routines provide a sense of stability and security that helps children feel confident and assured in their surroundings. Familiarity also brings comfort and reassurance and allows children to have mastery over their environment (“Ya! I know how to do this and I’m successful at it!). It also helps them regulate their emotions and behavior. “Oh, we are changing in to our PJ’s, it’s time to start calming down and get ready to go to bed.”
Ideal circumstances:
Create and follow a consistent schedule. Creating a schedule is a simple yet effective way to provide structure and predictability for kids. Even incorporating just a few consistent activities into each day can make a big difference in a child’s routine. For instance, having meals at the same time every day or reading a book before bedtime can work wonders in establishing a sense of stability and routine for children.
When life gets real:
What happens when a doctors appointment is scheduled during that planned meal time or a child needs to spend the night at a relatives house? Inform your child ahead of time the schedule change for the day. Let them know you may need to move dinner up a half hour or eat without the parent tonight. You have given them prior warning of a change which allows them to adjust and know what to expect. Do we always know ahead of time of a schedule change? Definitely not, but we can assure children that we will return to the schedule/routine as soon as we are able to and will keep them updated. Boom. You’ve made an unpredictable situation predictable.
In situations where things are constantly changing, consider holding a ‘morning meeting’ with your family, especially if the children are older. Together, you can discuss priorities for the day and set general timeframes. This approach allows flexibility for unexpected changes, like fluctuations in a parent’s health, ensuring everyone is on the same page and prepared to adapt as needed.
Here’s an example: “Alright, everyone, let’s gather for our morning meeting. Today, Dad’s feeling a bit under the weather, so we might need to adjust our plans accordingly. Emily, you have a soccer game this afternoon, and Sam, you’ve got a project due tomorrow. Let’s aim to finish the project in the morning, then head to the game after lunch. We will take turns checking in on Dad throughout the day. Sound good?”
Tip 2: Maintain Open Communication
Open communication between parents and kids is super important because it helps build trust, ease anxiety, make everyone feel secure, and solve problems together. When kids know they can talk openly with their parents, they trust them more, which helps create a stable and predictable family life. Plus, it makes kids feel safe and supported, and lets everyone work together to find solutions when things get tricky.
Ideal circumstances:
You are a place where your child feels safe to openly express their feelings. Everyone feels safe and secure and parents feel confident navigating the problem, giving sound advice. Here’s an example:
Lily is stressed about an upcoming math test, so she talks to her mom about it after dinner. She says she’s worried she won’t do well, even though she’s been studying hard. Her mom listens and suggests they come up with a study plan together to help Lily feel more prepared. Lily feels better knowing her mom is there to support her.
When life gets real:
When one parent is chronically ill and the other is struggling, it’s normal for everyone in the family, including the child, to feel stressed and unsettled. The child might see the struggles of the “well” parent and worry about the sick one but feel unsure about expressing their own concerns, afraid of making things worse.
Here’s where leading by example is key. Taking care of your own emotions is like putting on your own oxygen mask first. Once you’ve sorted out how you’re feeling, sit down with your child and give them your full attention. Start by acknowledging the changes and uncertainties caused by the illness, and then gently ask them how they’re feeling. If they seem hesitant or give a simple “I’m fine,” consider sharing your own feelings first. By being open about your emotions—whether it’s sadness, anger, frustration, or disappointment—you show them that it’s okay to feel that way too.
But remember to keep your emotions in check and not overwhelm your child. Share your feelings in a way that’s appropriate for their age and reassure them that they’re safe and loved. Encourage them to ask questions and be honest in your answers, giving them information without overwhelming them. For instance, you could say, “No, daddy’s illness might not get better, but we have doctors who are doing their best to help him, and we’re hopeful.”
It’s important not to make promises you can’t keep, as this could break your child’s trust. Avoid saying things like “daddy will be back to normal soon!” if you’re unsure. Being honest and reliable in your communication is crucial. If you want more tips on talking to a child about a parent’s chronic illness, you can check out my post here.
Tip 3: Leave Room for Flexibility
While making plans is important for predictability, be prepared to adapt them as needed to accommodate the parent’s health needs. Maintain flexibility within the structure to handle unexpected changes and avoid making promises when there is a chance you can’t keep them.
Ideal circumstances:
You are planning a trip to the zoo and you wake up the morning of and have an awful stomach flu. There is no way you can bring the kids to the zoo feelings this way. You validate their disappointment and share you are disappointed too but assure them there will be trip once you have recovered. You use this as a teachable moment on the importance of flexibility and empathy. The kids are disappointed but this is a very rare occcurence and you will feel better soon and be able to take them.
When life gets real:
In uncertain times, like when a parent with a chronic illness has plans to take the children to the zoo, unpredictability can throw a wrench in well-laid plans. Dad’s flare-up, which can last for months and sometimes become the new normal, casts doubt on whether the zoo trip will happen at all.
When facing such uncertainty, it’s wise to avoid making detailed promises that may not be kept. Instead of explicitly mentioning the zoo trip, you can hint at something exciting planned for Saturday without specifying. This leaves room for flexibility and minimizes disappointment if plans change.
If the day arrives and dad can’t make it out of bed, there are still ways to make the day special and follow through with “special plans”. You could opt for a cozy movie day with popcorn and pizza in bed with the sick parent, creating a memorable experience despite the change in plans. Alternatively, you might take the children to the zoo on your own or find another enjoyable activity. If the well parent needs to take care of the parent with the illness, the fun event may be that the kids are having a playdate at their friend’s house. By keeping the event open-ended, you can adapt to unforeseen circumstances while still ensuring a fun-filled day for them.
*Note: for kids who may have difficulty with flexible thinking (e.g. younger kids, kids with ASD, etc), you may need to be more specific as they may conjure up ideas of what they believe to be a special day, which spells disaster when their vision and reality do not align. Fun story (not): I did social skills training with students with various developmental delays. I told them that they earned a special treat and I would bring the treat to group next week. Well, my idea of a special treat (cupcakes) was very different than their ideas (a visit form Tom Brady, new transformers dolls, and a working airplane to name a few) and chaos ensued (tears, cupcakes on the floor). To account for this, you may want to say something along the lines of “the fun event will be either a special trip to the zoo, a movie day or your favorite meal.”
Tip 4: Create Weekly Rituals
Setting up a weekly tradition can be like having a reliable friend. It gives your child something to look forward to and helps them know what to expect. These little routines help your child transition from one part of the week to the next, bringing a sense of order to their days. Take, for example, Friday pizza nights – it’s a simple tradition that tells everyone, “Hey, the busy week is over, and it’s time to kick back and enjoy the weekend!”
Ideal circumstances:
Every Saturday morning your family eagerly gathers their bikes for a leisurely ride together. The kids can’t contain their excitement as they anticipate the adventure ahead, knowing they’ll soon be exploring the great outdoors with their favorite people. Not only does this weekly bike ride provide a healthy dose of exercise, but it also creates a family routine that the children can count on.
When life gets real:
When you’re exhausted and unsure if your significant other will be able to join in family activities, simplicity is key. Keep your weekly rituals easy and straightforward. For example, in our family, Wednesdays are for Macaroni and Cheese, and Fridays are Pizza nights. These meals are simple – just boxed mac n’ cheese or frozen pizza – and (not so coincidentally) easy to get as takeout or delivery if needed. We’ve stuck to these traditions for a couple of years now, even through tough times with my husband’s health. What’s great is that even if our child is with relatives or friends, it’s still Pizza night, bringing some predictability to the chaos.
Tip 5: Undivided Attention
Children are keen observers, often predicting our reactions before approaching us. When we consistently respond with warmth and undivided attention, it builds their trust and security in our relationship. This predictability fosters a sense of reassurance and confidence, helping children navigate uncertainties with greater ease.
Ideal circumstances:
Let’s say your child comes to you upset after a tough day at school. Instead of brushing them off or being distracted, you stop what you’re doing, look them in the eye, and give them your full attention. You listen carefully to their concerns and offer them comfort and reassurance. Your response shows them that you’re there for them no matter what, building trust and security in your relationship.
When life gets real:
You’re exhausted from work all day, your spouses illness has taken a turn for the worse and your mental health is suffering. You are trying to make dinner for the family while thinking about the insurance bill you have to fight. Your child comes up to you and asks to talk because they had a really bad day.
Before responding, take a deep breath and count to three to prevent impulsive reactions like yelling or acting annoyed at yet another interruption and problem. Once you’ve calmed down a bit, validate your child’s feelings and assure them you’re there for them. If you can pause what you’re doing, give them your undivided attention. If you’re in the middle of something that can’t be stopped, explain that you need a specific amount of time, like three minutes, and promise to sit down and talk together afterward. If you must step away mid-conversation, let them know ahead of time and communicate clearly that you’ll return shortly.
For instance, say, ‘Let’s sit down. I’ll need to step away in five minutes to take dinner out of the oven, but I’ll be right back to give you my full attention again.’ This approach ensures consistency in your response, prepares for potential interruptions, and provides assurance to your child that you’ll be there for them. It also underscores that regardless of the circumstances, you’ll always be a dependable and caring source of support. We aim to prevent our children from feeling unsure whether they’ll encounter warmth and understanding or harshness and unpredictability when they seek our help (hello Mommy Dearest or Donna Reed, if you know you know).
Unfortunately, younger kids don’t always express their need for support in the most ideal ways (cue meltdowns, yelling, and occasional destruction). If your children are in this developmental stage, it might be helpful to simplify your routine (keep a backup quick dinner handy) or carve out some time when you’re all together after a busy day to debrief. This designated time allows you to prioritize discussing their day without distractions. Even a simple chat in the car after picking them up can suffice. This approach isn’t just for younger kids; older ones can benefit too. Establishing this routine can teach children to rely on this dedicated family time and understand the value you place on sharing daily experiences. It also offers insight into their well-being based on what they share (or don’t share).
Tip 6: Self-Care for Kids
Teaching your child self-care strategies creates predictability by empowering them with tools they can rely on when they encounter stress or difficult emotions. By consistently encouraging these activities and outlets, the child learns to anticipate and utilize them whenever needed, fostering a sense of stability and control in managing their well-being. This predictability reassures the child that they have reliable methods to cope with challenges, contributing to their overall sense of security and resilience.
Ideal circumstances:
You have great coping strategies of your own that you model for your children. They pick up on this and take on some of your strategies as their own.
When life gets real:
You are losing it and can’t keep it together. You are yelling at people for no reason because you are on edge. You are not taking care of yourself and are exhausted all of the time. You are feeling bad because you are not modeling healthy strategies for your kids and may be inadvertently teaching them your unhealthy strategies.
It’s important to acknowledge to your child that you recognize you could have handled yourself better and that your response wasn’t appropriate. Expressing this shows humility and sets a positive example of taking responsibility for one’s actions. You might say something like, “I want to talk to you about what happened earlier. I realize I didn’t handle my emotions well, and I’m sorry for yelling. Next time, I’m going to try taking deep breaths to calm down before I react. What do you do when you’re feeling angry, stressed, or sad?” By asking them about their coping strategies, you open up a conversation about healthy ways to manage emotions and offer to explore these strategies together, fostering mutual support and growth.
Here are other ways you can promote self-care strategies with your child:
- Teach relaxation strategies and/or explore videos on relaxation strategies. Youtube offers an endless amount of guided relaxation, breathing exercises and mindfulness options, even ones designed for kids (Here’s a kid favorite) It’s important to practice these strategies when they are emotionally regulated so that when they are dysregulated they are familiar and accessible.
- Encourage problem solving. When problems come up in life, even if you do have the answer, allow the child to come up with their own solutions and have them work through whether those solutions would work.
- Promote physical activity and outdoor time: Physical activity increases those feel good chemicals in our body and is a great stress reliever. Being outdoors is a natural stress reliever, fosters imaginitive play and allows for creative problem solving.
- Encourage creative outlets: Encourage various ways to express their feelings, such as through drawing or writing. This can be especially helpful for children who have a hard time expressing themselves with words.
Tip 7: Reach Out to Your Village
Turning to your support network or “village” when you’re going through tough times can really help your child feel more secure and stable. When trusted family, friends, or neighbors step in to lend a hand, it means your child still has reliable care and routine, even when things are uncertain. Plus, having extra people to talk to and spend time with gives your child more support and connections outside the immediate family. It’s like having a safety net that helps your child feel safe and loved, no matter what challenges come your way.
Ideal situation:
You need a night away. You have involved family members and a close network of friends. You know you can count on them to be there if you can’t be. You call your mom but she’s not available but your sister is more than happy to take the kids.
When life gets real:
Your support network has dwindled (often a side effect of chronic illness), your coping skills are zero to none at this point, you need a break now and you have no family around or your spouse needs to be hospitalized and you need to have a place for the kids to go for the night.
This is when preplanning comes in.
Do you have those friends that you can call no matter what? Give them a heads up that things are a little wonky and ask if they would be willing to help out in a pinch. I was so afraid to do this myself and found that people are more than willing to lend a hand in these types of situations.
Do you have a consistent babysitter that the kids know? If not, if you have the funds, could you find a babysitter or babysitters that your kids could get to know and are available as needed? There are many agencies out there that can help you find sitters that are willing to do overnights and/or emergencies, including sickness. Have your children get to know these sitters and feel comfortable with them so if a crisis hits they have someone they feel comfortable with taking care of them.
Having a village also provides more people for your child to reach out to. They may be more open to talking to people outside their family because they are not worried they are burdening them with their worries as they would family members.
By implementing these strategies, parents can help maintain predictability and stability for their child while navigating the challenges of chronic illness. It’s important to prioritize the child’s emotional well-being and provide them with the support and reassurance they need during this difficult time.
Having a parent with a chronic illness can cause major disruption in the life of a child. From the unknown to major disruptions, a child’s life can feel unpredictable and out of control. This can cause emotional distress and strain in the family. Fortunately, the tips above can be modified to help maintain that predictability, even in less than ideal circumstances. Kids don’t need perfect parents so it’s ok if you are struggling, there are things you can do to maintain this predicability while keeping your sanity.
Wrapping Up
Having a parent with a chronic illness can throw a child’s life into disarray. From the uncertainty to significant disruptions, it’s easy for a child’s world to feel unpredictable and chaotic. This can take a toll on their emotions and strain family dynamics. However, the strategies outlined above can be adjusted to help maintain predictability, even during challenging times. Remember, kids don’t need perfection from their parents, so it’s okay if you’re struggling. Use these as teachable moments. There are steps you can take to uphold predictability while also taking care of yourself. So, embrace the importance of predictability, utilize the tips provided, and remember to reach out to your support network when needed. Together, we can navigate through uncertainty while providing stability and comfort for our children.
Sources
Doom, J. (2022). The Power of Predictability. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/origins-health/202211/the-power-predictability
Golics, C. J., Basra, M. K., Finlay, A. Y., & Salek, S. (2013). The impact of disease on family members: a critical aspect of medical care. Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, 106(10), 399–407. https://doi.org/10.1177/0141076812472616
Momentous Insititue. (2016). Predictability is Key. Retrieved from https://momentousinstitute.org/resources/predictability-is-key
Rotbart, H. ( 2024) What Every Child Needs. Children’s Hospital Colorado. Retrieved from https://www.childrenscolorado.org/conditions-and-advice/parenting/parenting-articles/what-children-need/
University of Michigan (2020). Michigan Medicine: The Importance of Routine for Kids. Zero to Thrive. Retrieved from https://zerotothrive.org/routines-for-kids/
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