Confronting a parent’s chronic illness with children is a daunting task. When my husband first became ill, I avoided discussing it with my kids, ages 2 and 3 at the time. Initially, I hoped they wouldn’t notice or understand. Despite being a clinical social worker adept at difficult conversations, handling this within my own family overwhelmed me. Talking to children about such a situation can be overwhelming for everyone involved. This guide aims to ease this burden, offering practical advice to navigate these conversations effectively, reducing stress, and fostering a productive dialogue between parents and children.
1. Consider Age Appropriateness:
- Younger Children (3-7 years old): Use simple language and concepts they can grasp. Children this age can be very concrete. Assure them that the illness isn’t their fault and that they can’t catch it.
Example:
“Mom/Dad has an illness that makes them feel unwell sometimes. It’s not because of anything you did. We love you and will take care of each other together.”
“Sometimes, our bodies can feel a little unwell. Just like when you have a cold and feel tired or achy, sometimes grown-ups can feel unwell too. Mom/Dad’s body needs some extra care right now to help them feel better.”
- Middle Childhood (8-12 years old): Offer more detailed explanations about the illness, its effects, and treatment in an age-appropriate manner. Encourage questions and validate their emotions.
Example:
“I want to talk to you about mom’s/dad’s illness. It’s a condition that affects their body, but it’s not anyone’s fault. We’re a team, and we’ll support each other through this. How are you feeling about everything?”
“Mom/Dad has a condition called [name of the illness]. It’s like when one part of a machine doesn’t work as it should. This means they might feel tired or have to go to the doctor more often to make sure everything’s okay.”
- Teens (13+ years old): Discuss the illness more comprehensively, including its impact on daily life and plans for the future. Involve them in discussions about family roles and support.
Example:
“I know things have been tough lately, and I want to talk to you about mom/dad’s illness. It’s called [name of the illness], and it affects [briefly explain the condition]. It means that mom/dad might have good days and not-so-good days. Some treatments might affect our routines, and there could be times when we all need to pitch in a bit more.”
“The illness is called [name of the illness]. It’s a bit complicated, but it affects [explain the body part or system affected] and causes [briefly explain symptoms or effects].”
2. Create a Safe Space for Communication:
- Encourage Questions: Give them your undivided attention. Let them know it’s okay to ask anything. Answer truthfully and calmly, ensuring they feel heard and understood.
Example:
Child: “Mom/Dad, why does mom/dad have to go to the hospital so often?”
Parent: “That’s a good question. [Pause to give full attention] Sometimes, when someone’s body isn’t feeling well, the doctors at the hospital help them feel better by giving special care and checking on how they’re doing. It’s a place where they can get the help they need.”
Child: “Will they get better soon?”
Parent: “We’re hoping for that. [Pause, offering comfort] It might take some time, and the doctors are doing their best to help. But no matter what happens, we’ll all be here to support each other.”
- Normalize Feelings: Acknowledge their emotions, be it fear, confusion, or sadness. All feelings are ok. Express your own feelings to show it’s natural to have lots of emotions. If you are feeling scared/sad/angry, tell them.
Example:
Child: “Are you scared?”
Parent: “Yeah, sometimes I do feel scared. It’s natural to feel that way when someone we love is going through a tough time. It doesn’t mean we’re weak; it means we care a lot.”
3. Provide Reassurance and Stability:
- Maintain Routine: The illness can bring unpredictability. Try to uphold regular schedules and routines to provide a sense of stability amidst the changes. During times when things might feel uncertain due to the illness, sticking to our regular schedules and routines can help them (and us!) feel more stable and secure.
- Assure Unconditional Love: Emphasize that the illness does not change the love or commitment within the family.
4. Be Honest and Transparent:
- Use Clear Language: Explain the illness in terms they can understand, avoiding medical jargon.
- Share Updates and Answer Questions Honestly: Keep them informed about developments in the parent’s health, treatments, or prognosis, keeping in mind their level of development. Address all questions honestly without delving into graphic details. Avoid making promises you may not be able to keep. If you’re uncertain about the implications for your family, be honest. This maintains trust.
5. Encourage Support Networks:
- Involve Them in Care: Offer opportunities for involvement (if appropriate), like attending appointments or helping with tasks, to make them feel included. For a younger child, this could be as simple as bringing a parent one of their stuffed animals when the parent is in bed. Older children can also offer valuable support in various ways. They might help with preparing meals, reminding about medications, or even researching information about the parent’s condition if they’re comfortable doing so. In some cases, they might also provide some emotional support by spending quality time with the parent and engaging in activities they enjoy together.
- Seek External Support: Support them in talking to a counselor, therapist, or a trusted adult if they feel more comfortable discussing their feelings beyond the family circle. If suitable, consider contacting the child’s school, so they can keep an eye out for any changes. Schools can also be a wealth of information for community resources.
This last one is a big one….
6. Prioritize Self-Care for Parental Well-Being:
Taking care of oneself is not selfish; it’s essential for being a strong support system for your children. As a parent facing a chronic illness, managing your own emotions, stress, and overall well-being is crucial.
Modeling Self-Care:Demonstrating self-care practices not only benefits you but also sets an important example for your children. They learn from observing how you cope with challenges. Showing them healthy ways to manage stress and prioritize self-care can teach valuable life skills.
Importance of Self-Care:Remember, your well-being directly influences your ability to support your children through this journey. It’s like the safety demonstration on an airplane: you need to put on your oxygen mask first before assisting others. Similarly, attending to your own needs ensures you’re better equipped to care for your children.
Practical Self-Care Techniques:Find moments to recharge, whether through meditation, hobbies, exercise, or simply taking breaks when needed. Seeking your own support networks, whether it’s friends, support groups, or professionals, can significantly alleviate your emotional burden.
Impact on Children:When children see their parents taking care of themselves, it reassures them that coping with challenges is a normal part of life. They learn resilience by observing how you navigate difficulties, which equips them with valuable skills for their own lives.
By prioritizing self-care, you not only foster your own well-being but also create a positive influence on your children’s emotional health and coping mechanisms.
Remember, these conversations are ongoing. Check in regularly to see how they’re feeling and if they have more questions. Flexibility and empathy are crucial in helping children navigate such challenging situations. It’s equally important to prioritize self-care for yourself as a parent. Taking time to recharge and address your own well-being enables you to be a more resilient and present support system for your child.
References:
American Psychological Association. (2011). How to Help a Friend or Loved One Suffering From a Chronic Illness. American Psychological Association. www.https://www.apa.org/topics/chronic-illness/help
Ibeziako, P. (2022, January 12). When a Parent Has a Mental Illness, How to Support Kids. https://answers.childrenshospital.org/parent-mental-illness/
McCarthy, C. (2022, January 14). How to Talk to Children About the Serious Illness of a Loved One. Harvard Health Blog. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/how-to-talk-to-children-about-the-serious-illness-of-a-loved-one-2019120218468#:~:text=Talk%20about%20how%20this%20will,care%20of%20during%20the%20illness.
Leave a Reply