Envy and Chronic Illness: A Guide for Spouses

Christina Mullins, MSW, LCSW

As I scrolled through social media, I came across pictures of a friend’s recent ski trip with her family. One photo hit me hard. They were all smiles in a Mexican restaurant, her husband holding up a margarita, arm around their kids, with a glow that comes after a good day on the slopes.

It instantly took me back to before my husband got sick. We used to love going out for Mexican food, not worrying about anything. We always dreamed of taking our kids on ski vacations too. But now, everything’s changed. Every time we eat out, it’s like a science experiment, checking every ingredient. Mexican restaurants, among countless others, are out. My husband can’t even have a simple coffee or wine anymore. Our relaxed evenings, sharing a drink after the kids are asleep, feel like a distant memory. Going out at night is a burden of worry neither of us can bear. Ski vacations: stress, worry and defeat. Smiles are hard to come by these days.

As I kept looking at those pictures, envy started eating me up and resentment set in, slowly ruining what was left of my evening. That picture was supposed to be us, our family, but sickness ruined everything.

Envy vs. Jealousy

Before we dive in, let’s clear up the confusion between envy and jealousy—two terms often lumped together as if they mean the same thing. But they don’t! When I initially began writing this post, I started with the word “jealousy,” but soon realized it didn’t quite fit. Jealousy is a different ballgame. It’s that feeling we get when we worry someone might come along and snatch away something we deeply care about—like a relationship or our sense of security. It’s that gut-wrenching fear of losing what’s already a part of our lives. Envy is when we see someone else’s great job, cool stuff, or awesome lifestyle and wish it was ours. You see, I’m not afraid someone is going to take something or someone away from me…I just yearn for what people with a healthy spouse have. Knowing the right word helps us unravel our emotions and handle them more effectively. It also helps us understand ourselves and improve how we express our feelings.

Envy and Chronic Illness

When you’re in a partnership with someone with a chronic illness, it’s common to find yourself feeling a bit envious of others. I mean you might see dads effortlessly playing with their kids and wish your spouse had that kind of energy and freedom. It may be seeing another couple on a date, being carefree and happy while you feel the weight of the world on you. It’s totally normal, but it can also make you feel guilty and alone.

Watching others pursue their dreams while you feel like you have to put yours on hold can be tough. It’s like you’re stuck in a never-ending race while everyone else seems to be sprinting ahead. It’s natural to wonder why life seems so much easier for others.

This envy can make you feel isolated and inadequate, especially when you’re torn between caring for your sick spouse and longing for a more carefree life. But it’s important to remember that it’s okay to feel this way. Finding support from friends, family, or a therapist can help you navigate these feelings and find a sense of peace amidst the chaos. Just know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to take care of yourself too.

Sources of Envy

As we dig into the issue of envy in relationships dealing with chronic illness, it’s crucial to figure out what sets off these emotions. By recognizing these triggers, we can better grasp why we feel the way we do so we can better address it. We can also be proactive in situations where we know we are going to be confronted by our biggest triggers. Let’s face it, they are everywhere and there’s no avoiding them. Believe me, I’ve tried.

• Healthy Couples on Social Media: You know when you’re scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, and you see those pictures of couples having the time of their lives? Maybe they’re on vacation, or out at a fancy dinner, or just goofing around without a care in the world. It’s natural to feel a pang of envy, especially when your partner’s chronic illness puts a damper on those kinds of experiences for you.

• Achievements and Milestones: Then there’s that feeling when you see other couples hitting big milestones or achieving their dreams. It’s like everyone else is moving forward with their lives, while you feel stuck dealing with the challenges of your partner’s illness. It can be tough not to compare and feel a bit envious.

• Seeing Healthy Spouses: Oh, let me tell you about those partners who just seem to glow with health and vitality. It’s hard not to feel a pang of envy when your partner’s health struggles make it difficult for them to stay on top of their wellness game. I often find myself grappling with this when I see folks out jogging or hitting the trails on their bikes, thinking about how my husband used to do the same before his illness sidelined him. It’s not really about their looks, but more about their ability to do the things that keep them healthy – something my husband used to do effortlessly before he got sick. Ah, the irony of missing those days when his workouts were his stress-busters and health boosters. I can’t help but imagine the joy these people must feel from being so active and alive.

• Social Life and Activities: It can be isolating to see other couples out and about, enjoying social activities or hobbies that you and your partner can’t participate in because of their illness. You might feel like you’re missing out or that your social circle is shrinking while everyone else’s is expanding.
• Relationship Dynamics: Relationship Dynamics: Ever notice how some couples just seem to have this effortless understanding and support for each other? It’s enough to make you envious, especially if you’re dealing with tensions or strain in your own relationship due to the challenges of chronic illness. The constant discussions about health, medications, and the strain of stress and frustration can really take a toll on a relationship.
• Financial Stability and Career Success: Money and career stuff can also stir up envy. When you see other couples reaching financial milestones or climbing the career ladder without the added stress of illness, it’s easy to feel a twinge of resentment or frustration about your own situation. Sometimes, you may even find yourself mourning the dreams and aspirations you’ve had to put on hold or let go of due to your spouse’s chronic illness.

• Parenting Experiences: If you have kids or want to have them someday, seeing other couples enjoying the parenting journey without the added hurdles of chronic illness can really hit home. You might find yourself wishing for a more “normal” family life or feeling overwhelmed by the obstacles you face.

A Note on Resentment

So, here’s the deal: envy left unchecked can spiral into resentment, and nobody wants that hanging around in their life. Resentment is a strong and lasting feeling of anger or bitterness towards someone or something, typically stemming from a sense of unfairness or perceived wrongdoing. Picture this: you’re constantly comparing your situation to others’, especially with your partner dealing with a chronic illness. It’s easy to start feeling bitter and resentful.

You might catch yourself feeling mad at your partner for their illness, even though deep down, you know it’s not their fault. Or maybe you’re annoyed at friends or family who seem to have everything going for them while you’re stuck dealing with all this stuff. And then there’s that sneaky resentment toward yourself for even feeling envious in the first place.

But here’s the truth: letting resentment take over doesn’t fix a thing. It just makes you miserable and pushes people away. So, when you notice envy starting to turn into resentment, it’s time to take action.

Ways to Cope with Envy

Envy is a totally normal feeling, but it’s important not to let it consume you and turn to resentment. I know, way easier said than done, but the following suggestions are some tried and true ways to cope:

• Name it: Simply acknowledging and naming envy can be unbelievably liberating. It’s like shining a light on a shadowy corner of your emotions. When you put a name to what you’re feeling, it can instantly validate your experience and make you feel less isolated. Envy is a common human emotion, and knowing that others also grapple with it can provide a sense of connection and reassurance. By naming envy, you take the first step towards understanding and managing it, paving the way for greater emotional clarity and well-being.
• Find Your Own Joy: Look, it’s easy to get caught up in comparing your life to others’, but try to focus on finding joy in your own journey. Find hobbies or activities that bring you happiness and fulfillment, even if they’re different from what others are doing. For me that’s photography and blogging. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to retreat to my “hobby” world, even if it’s just in my mind, in order to not be eaten alive by envy.

• Practice Gratitude: Practicing gratitude may sound cliché, but it’s a powerful tool for shifting perspective. Taking just a moment each day to reflect on the things you’re grateful for, no matter how small, can make a significant difference. I used to roll my eyes at the idea until I committed to it for a year, and it genuinely transformed my mindset. Knowing I had to jot down three things I was grateful for each day pushed me to actively seek out the good. With the demands of parenting leaving me with very little time, this practice became a quick but meaningful way to pause and appreciate the positives. Over time, I noticed patterns emerging, revealing common themes and joys that I could draw upon during tougher moments.
• Limit Social Media and/or remind yourself of it’s superficiality: Limiting your time on social media and reminding yourself of its superficiality can be incredibly beneficial. Social media often serves as a breeding ground for envy, so don’t hesitate to take a break if it’s starting to affect your mood. Constantly comparing yourself to others’ highlight reels can be draining and counterproductive. Instead, focus on living your own life authentically. It’s essential to remember that social media often portrays a curated version of reality, with people showcasing only their best moments. Reflecting on this can help put things into perspective. For instance, considering the Mexican restaurant example I mentioned earlier, I realized I couldn’t accurately gauge whether it truly captured a genuine moment of happiness or just a fleeting highlight. It’s important to recognize that behind every seemingly perfect facade lies a complex story. While you may feel envious of someone’s apparent success or happiness, it’s crucial to acknowledge that everyone faces their own struggles and challenges, often hidden from public view.
• Talk It Out: Bottling up your feelings of envy won’t do you any favors. Find someone you trust—a friend, family member, or therapist—and talk about what you’re going through. Sometimes just getting it off your chest can be a huge relief.  Support groups can be great for this.  It can be incredibly validating to talk to others who get it. I’ll share my experience with a support group in a future post. Spoiler altert: it was a game changer.

• Practice Self-Compassion: Practice Self-Compassion: Give yourself a break, seriously. Living with a partner’s chronic illness is no walk in the park, and it’s absolutely okay to experience all the emotions that come with it. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing a rough patch. After all, you wouldn’t tell a friend to “suck it up,” right? So, why say it to yourself? Talk to yourself like you would talk to a close friend experiencing a challenging situation. Be gentle, be kind, and remember that you’re doing the best you can.

• Focus on What You Can Control: Trust me, I’ve been there, trying to control my partner’s illness and everything else around me, only to realize it’s an exercise in frustration. Instead, focus on what’s within your power to change. Whether it’s setting healthy boundaries, reaching out for support, or finding effective ways to manage stress, channel your energy into actions that empower you. Remember, while you can’t control your partner’s health or other people’s lives, you do have the ability to shape how you respond to these challenges. I can’t make my family into the family from social media but I can create special moments with my family within the limitations of illness.
• Practice Empathetic Joy: Practicing empathetic joy isn’t always easy, but it’s a skill worth working on, especially when envy starts getting to you. It’s about finding happiness in others’ happiness, even when it feels tough. I came across this idea in Toni Bernhard’s book, “How to Be Sick,” and it really struck a chord. Bernhard, who deals with multiple chronic illnesses herself, shared a story about finding joy when a friend mentioned a trip to the coast—a trip Bernhard used to enjoy with her husband. Instead of feeling envious, she made an effort to genuinely share in her friend’s happiness, thinking, “It’s so nice they’ll get to see the ocean.” Despite her own longing, Toni chose to appreciate her friend’s joy, showing that empathetic joy can become more natural over time, even if you have to fake it a little (or a lot!) at first. So, let’s keep practicing and celebrating the happiness of others—it does get easier with practice.

By incorporating these strategies into your journey, you can work towards finding peace and acceptance when envy rears its ugly head. No, it won’t get better overnight and envy will continue to pop up, but now you will have some strategies to make it more of fleeting emotion and decrease the chance it will turn into resentment.

Benefits of Coping with Envy

Dealing and coping with envy is hard work but it can really pay off. When we make a commitment to cope effectively with envy the following benefits may follow:

1. Healthy Relationships: Opening up about our struggles and feelings, instead of letting resentment simmer beneath the surface, can make a world of difference. Maybe you’ve distanced yourself from friends or family because it’s just too painful to see them living what feels like their dream life—or maybe even what we had hoped would be ours. But here’s the thing: communicating with those we care about can actually bring us closer together. By confiding in friends and family, being open and honest about our envy or struggles, we not only strengthen our bonds but also give ourselves the chance to receive support and understanding. It’s like lifting a weight off our shoulders and finding solace in the love and empathy of those who truly care about us.
2. Personal Growth: Addressing feelings of envy isn’t just about overcoming negativity; it’s a chance for personal growth and self-discovery. When we take the time to understand why we feel envious and learn how to cope, it’s like unlocking a door to our own inner journey. It’s about realizing that our happiness isn’t defined by what others have, but by discovering what truly lights us up inside. By embracing this shift in perspective, we open ourselves to new opportunities and pathways toward fulfillment and contentment in life.
3. Improved Self-esteem: Constantly comparing yourself to others can erode self-esteem and self-worth. Coping with envy involves recognizing and appreciating your own strengths and accomplishments, leading to increased self-confidence.

1. Enhanced Gratitude: Coping with envy often involves practicing gratitude and focusing on the positives in your own life. This shift in perspective can lead to greater contentment and satisfaction with what you have, rather than dwelling on what others possess.

Overall, coping with envy is essential for maintaining emotional well-being, fostering healthy relationships, promoting personal growth, and cultivating a sense of gratitude and contentment in life.

Conclusion and A Call to Action

In wrapping up, let’s remember that dealing with envy while supporting a partner with a chronic illness is normal but it isn’t easy…But hey, you’ve already taken a big step by reading this post and acknowledging these feelings. Now, let’s put some of these strategies into action. Send out those positive vibes and focus on the little things that bring you joy and happiness. Reach out to a friend or a loved one, talk about what you’re going through. And remember, it’s okay to cut yourself some slack. We’re all in this together, navigating the ups and downs of life. So, let’s support each other, lean on one another when we need to, and keep moving forward with compassion and understanding. You’ve got this!

If you’ve found ways to cope with envy that are not mentioned above (or have tried some of the strategies above!) comment below so we can learn and grow together.